Is jealousy essential?
Can our relationships actually thrive when the green-eyed monster rears its head?
OPINION: Humans naturally want opposing and contradictory things in their relationships. We want strong, reliable, and intimate connections on the one hand, but on the other, we yearn for spontaneity, novelty, and sex appeal.
This is the argument of renowned sex therapist and author Esther Perel. In her book State of Affairs, Perel expands on the idea arguing that for some couples a healthy dose of jealousy can fuel a marriage’s fire long after trackpants have become a daily reality.
As territorial creatures, humans try harder when they feel threatened. Whitney Cummings’ movie The Female Brain demonstrates this specifically when the male protagonist feels threatened and puffs his chest out......biologically to look bigger and thus more impressive in comparison to an alternate suitor. This is as much a signal to his partner as to the challenger.
Few long-term married couples could argue that standards don’t slip after years of partnership. Sharing laundry chores certainly pierces any pretence of surprise or novelty. Someone has to wash and fold that sexy underwear. While this level of interdependence is ideal, it doesn’t counter-balance a need to see you are wanted.
This is where Perel makes a lot of her point. Jealousy, in small doses, reminds our lover that we want them. It says, “I haven’t forgotten how good you looked the first time I saw you.” Often it also indicates you’re partner still thinks you are attractive towards others.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Yes, Coach by Lee Suckling to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.